Friday, January 14, 2005

Stupidest idea ever?

Witless cocksheath and inexplicable "it"* girl Paris Hilton was too stupid to finish high school, and had to get a GED. Stupid, not very pretty, mean, spoiled, inconsiderate, annoying voice, etc., i.e. the total package. But because there's nothing I can do about her star status, I'd like to suggest a movie in which she could star.

(*unless the "it" is a sexually transmitted disease, perhaps. She's so skanky she could contract an STD by masturbating)

A struggling actor becomes jealous of Hilton's underserved celebrity and picks Paris up in a bar with the clever line "Hey baby, let's go back to my motel room and fuck." They adjourn to the room and have pretty good sex (I saw the tape and must admit that she seemed to know what she was doing).

Even though he was pretty gamey even before attaching himself to the world's skankiest skank, he eschews a post-coital wash. Instead, he takes some pills and smokes a joint, throws away the want ads, steals $1000 out of PH's wallet while she edits the video of their tryst for internet release. The Big Meanie then kills Paris by convincing her that nobody is watching.

In the ensuing orgy of gastronomic self-congratulation at the Westwood Fatburger, he orders and consumes one of everything on the menu. His plans unravel after Nicole Ritchie stumbles across his promotional website, "ikilledparishiltonbyconvincinghernobodywaswatching.com," and, after bringing in a reading assistant, demands that he kill her as well, except on Fox.

Se7en2, in theatres hopefully... never.

(*unless the "it" is a sexually transmitted disease, perhaps. She's so skanky she could contract an STD by masturbating) Yeah, I know I said this already but this is where it was originally and I think it is worth repeating.

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