Friday, January 14, 2005

Vacuum America

Wanna know why Air America has ratings that would make the WB wince (i.e. their ratings REALLY suck)? Do ya? Okay, I'll spill.

(Suck-ass product and/or service) + Choice = You Lose.

Air America is difficult to take for more than a few minutes--I know, I've tried. Al Franken's 10+ minute parody of Richard Scaife Theatre (Scaife is a loaded Clintonophobe) was the worst steaming pile of dogshit I've encountered since my cousin's dog dropped a monster dump on the lawn in 10 degree weather that literally had steam rising therefrom. The "sketch" consisted of faux Bill and Hillary (is that redundant or is a fuax of a phony actually the real thing?) talking back and forth about how they were coke fiend murderers and blah blah blah. FOR 10 FUCKING MINUTES!!! The idea had potential but when your satire looks to a 20 kiloton nuke for subtlety, it's time to hire some new writers, or at least run this shit by someone. Ugh.

Randi Rhodes is all over the map but nonetheless manages to bypass Logicsburg and Coherenecyville. She blames Bush for the death of Warren Harding. Actually, I didn't hear her say that, but wouldn't be surprised if she had--it's that bad. She went on one rant--a bit disorienting for what it suggested about her stability--in which she ended up criticizing the IRS for trying to collect employee payroll taxes stolen by businesses.

If you don't know, when employers withhold employees' share of payroll taxes and don't turn the $over to the IRS are STEALING FROM THEIR EMPLOYEES. Fortunately, the IRS doesn't go after the taxpaying employee, but goes after the thief. Now here's Ms. Rhodes--Ms. "I'm for the little guy against eeevil Bush and Halliburton and oppressors and companies and rich people"--all in a tizzy because the government is cracking down on companies that steal their employees' withheld funds. Of course, the reason is because Ms. Rhodes once owned a business and stole her employees' withholding funds (thats what she said, so I guess it's possible she was wrong, but then again...), and the IRS rightly bitchslapped her (the IRS licks the sweat out of a homeless guy's inner crotchrot, but I side with them when employers do this). She's so out of control--she was using this rant to criticize our eeevil dictator--that she was totally unaware of how ridiculous she sounded.

Problem 1. They are hate-filled and projecting. That's interesting for about 8 minutes. Their malevolence clouds their vision of what makes Rush so successful--his positivity and diligence--and the more infuriated they become, the more the situation self-perpetuates.

Problem 2. The Left is a Church--they have hopelessly and seamlessly merged their ideology into their faith in a way that the Republicans, with their distinct physical Churches, never would--that's why lefty talk radio is not as viable. The left's fundamental tenets are sacrosanct, not to be questioned no matter what. No matter how wrong experience shows them to be on almost everything, their gospel is not subject to review. They have decided that their statist utopianism is The Way. That's why they pull out the personal attacks so quickly--how dare anyone question them, and they don't have the substance or practice to answer critics regardless. That makes for painfully boring radio.

How many Air America listeners does it take to change a light bulb? On some days, both of them.

Problems 3-xx. [omitted]

Stupidest idea ever?

Witless cocksheath and inexplicable "it"* girl Paris Hilton was too stupid to finish high school, and had to get a GED. Stupid, not very pretty, mean, spoiled, inconsiderate, annoying voice, etc., i.e. the total package. But because there's nothing I can do about her star status, I'd like to suggest a movie in which she could star.

(*unless the "it" is a sexually transmitted disease, perhaps. She's so skanky she could contract an STD by masturbating)

A struggling actor becomes jealous of Hilton's underserved celebrity and picks Paris up in a bar with the clever line "Hey baby, let's go back to my motel room and fuck." They adjourn to the room and have pretty good sex (I saw the tape and must admit that she seemed to know what she was doing).

Even though he was pretty gamey even before attaching himself to the world's skankiest skank, he eschews a post-coital wash. Instead, he takes some pills and smokes a joint, throws away the want ads, steals $1000 out of PH's wallet while she edits the video of their tryst for internet release. The Big Meanie then kills Paris by convincing her that nobody is watching.

In the ensuing orgy of gastronomic self-congratulation at the Westwood Fatburger, he orders and consumes one of everything on the menu. His plans unravel after Nicole Ritchie stumbles across his promotional website, "ikilledparishiltonbyconvincinghernobodywaswatching.com," and, after bringing in a reading assistant, demands that he kill her as well, except on Fox.

Se7en2, in theatres hopefully... never.

(*unless the "it" is a sexually transmitted disease, perhaps. She's so skanky she could contract an STD by masturbating) Yeah, I know I said this already but this is where it was originally and I think it is worth repeating.

Eli Manning is a goober

Peyton's spoiled dickweed of a brother, Eli, is even outpuds Peyton. The little pissant refused to play for the Chargers (which would only have been excusable had his gripe been that they don't use the powder blues more, or even the Air Coryell Era threads) because he said their organization wasn't up to their standards. He's a boob from Ole Miss, who the hell does he think he is?

So he orchestrates a trade to the New York Giants of New Jersey. I think maybe it's because he has the hots for Giants bench QB Jesse "I was on 'The Bachelor' but didn't get to" Palmer. It certainly couldn't have been because of football. The Giants suck, and had to give up 1st and 5th round picks and Phil Rivers, the potential stud QB (and by all acounts, non-prick) they took with the 4th pick, for the privilege of smelling the arrogant shit's southern fired farts for the next several years and paying him a toll booth full of c-notes for that privilege.

So what happens? The Chargers grow a pair, go 12-4, host a playoff game, and came within Marty Shottenheimer's sudden spouting of a vagina once his team got within longish field goal range in OT of being on their way to Pittsburgh to joust with the Men of Steel. Giants broke the Cardinal Line (double digit losses), with little poopy pants pissant Eli taking the helm while the team still had a shot at the playoffs and navigating his team down the toilet like a Tidy Bowl man after his ninth MeadowlandsLong Island Iced Tea. Nice move, Eli.

The Giants are a mess and the Chargers get a high first round draft pick, a prospect comparable in ability but almost certainly less dickish in character, and a 5th round pick (don't snicker, Tex, Tom Brady who has 2 more Super Bowl rings than the entire Manning clan, was a sixth round guy).

Coming full circle: Patriots-Colts II

My last post before going on hiatus was a cracking good ANALysis of Peyton Manning and the Colts in which I eschewed excessive discussion of "strategy" and "X's and O's" and "sexual habits of the cheerleaders" and instead kept my thoughts on a different level:


Let me tell you something about Peyton Manning and the Colts. Manning takes it up the ass. The Colts take it up the ass. And they will continue taking it up the ass until they beat the Patriots and Tom Brady.

Well, their day of judgment cometh, and that right soon. Manning and his posse come riding into Foxboro this Sunday, in a game to be broadcasted on the jaundiced Eye. Over the last three months, the feckless rumbswabs in the sports media have done everything but elect Manning the Pope of Greenwich Village and it irks the bejesus out of me. Look man, the Colts had a good year and all, but they were the 3-seed (and came within a SD collapse in Indy of being the 4-seed) and putting up 5-TD games against the Cowardly Lions or the Tennessee Tuxedos is great, but how about we hold off the goddmaned coronation until the Colts earn it?

As I said before, most of the dopes who follow this shit like superstar worship because it relives them of the obligation to think. Anyway, if Manning were to lead the Colts to victory, the orgy of approbation would be likely enough to make me write another vituperative blog post.

And I am concerned--if the Colts and Manning are firing on all cyclinders, they will be tought to beat. The Patriots have the home field but don't have their cornerbacks. I think that guy Poteat they signed had been standing on Route 1 holding a "Will play cornerback for food" sign. But they are the World Champions. And they have Belichick.

But irregardless of the creeping acceptability of the despicable word "irregardless," and regardless of who wins Sunday, the Manning love fest sucks dick, smokes pole, and performs fellatio.

BONUS: the old Colts helmet had two horseshoes on the lower rear of the helmet, which in a fusion of geography and metaphor, would mean that backs of the asses of those Colts are the backs of their heads, which makes them all assheads and makes their helmets, literally, asshats.

Jennifer Garner: Confounded idiocy compounded...

Jennifer Garner as super duper sex symbol? Gimme a break. She's got disquietingly mannish round shoulders and a little tiny head atop her long neck (did she used to wear those neck ring things? Was she playing around at Cleopatra and forgot the maxim about how if you do thus-and-so you could stay that way--you know, that line adults say to try to get kids to stop making faces. Making faces is fun when you're a kid, so fascist adults back off).

Leaving all that to the side, her face is okay and stuff, but it reminds of this kid Billy I knew when I was a vitriolic youth. Billy was clinically silly and could have been a spawn of Medusa, let's just say, so the simularity of his facial template with hers is disconcerting.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Elvis: the OTHER King

Elvis Presley is 70 today. Richard M. "Dick" Nixon would have been 92 tomorrow.