Friday, January 14, 2005

Vacuum America

Wanna know why Air America has ratings that would make the WB wince (i.e. their ratings REALLY suck)? Do ya? Okay, I'll spill.

(Suck-ass product and/or service) + Choice = You Lose.

Air America is difficult to take for more than a few minutes--I know, I've tried. Al Franken's 10+ minute parody of Richard Scaife Theatre (Scaife is a loaded Clintonophobe) was the worst steaming pile of dogshit I've encountered since my cousin's dog dropped a monster dump on the lawn in 10 degree weather that literally had steam rising therefrom. The "sketch" consisted of faux Bill and Hillary (is that redundant or is a fuax of a phony actually the real thing?) talking back and forth about how they were coke fiend murderers and blah blah blah. FOR 10 FUCKING MINUTES!!! The idea had potential but when your satire looks to a 20 kiloton nuke for subtlety, it's time to hire some new writers, or at least run this shit by someone. Ugh.

Randi Rhodes is all over the map but nonetheless manages to bypass Logicsburg and Coherenecyville. She blames Bush for the death of Warren Harding. Actually, I didn't hear her say that, but wouldn't be surprised if she had--it's that bad. She went on one rant--a bit disorienting for what it suggested about her stability--in which she ended up criticizing the IRS for trying to collect employee payroll taxes stolen by businesses.

If you don't know, when employers withhold employees' share of payroll taxes and don't turn the $over to the IRS are STEALING FROM THEIR EMPLOYEES. Fortunately, the IRS doesn't go after the taxpaying employee, but goes after the thief. Now here's Ms. Rhodes--Ms. "I'm for the little guy against eeevil Bush and Halliburton and oppressors and companies and rich people"--all in a tizzy because the government is cracking down on companies that steal their employees' withheld funds. Of course, the reason is because Ms. Rhodes once owned a business and stole her employees' withholding funds (thats what she said, so I guess it's possible she was wrong, but then again...), and the IRS rightly bitchslapped her (the IRS licks the sweat out of a homeless guy's inner crotchrot, but I side with them when employers do this). She's so out of control--she was using this rant to criticize our eeevil dictator--that she was totally unaware of how ridiculous she sounded.

Problem 1. They are hate-filled and projecting. That's interesting for about 8 minutes. Their malevolence clouds their vision of what makes Rush so successful--his positivity and diligence--and the more infuriated they become, the more the situation self-perpetuates.

Problem 2. The Left is a Church--they have hopelessly and seamlessly merged their ideology into their faith in a way that the Republicans, with their distinct physical Churches, never would--that's why lefty talk radio is not as viable. The left's fundamental tenets are sacrosanct, not to be questioned no matter what. No matter how wrong experience shows them to be on almost everything, their gospel is not subject to review. They have decided that their statist utopianism is The Way. That's why they pull out the personal attacks so quickly--how dare anyone question them, and they don't have the substance or practice to answer critics regardless. That makes for painfully boring radio.

How many Air America listeners does it take to change a light bulb? On some days, both of them.

Problems 3-xx. [omitted]

Stupidest idea ever?

Witless cocksheath and inexplicable "it"* girl Paris Hilton was too stupid to finish high school, and had to get a GED. Stupid, not very pretty, mean, spoiled, inconsiderate, annoying voice, etc., i.e. the total package. But because there's nothing I can do about her star status, I'd like to suggest a movie in which she could star.

(*unless the "it" is a sexually transmitted disease, perhaps. She's so skanky she could contract an STD by masturbating)

A struggling actor becomes jealous of Hilton's underserved celebrity and picks Paris up in a bar with the clever line "Hey baby, let's go back to my motel room and fuck." They adjourn to the room and have pretty good sex (I saw the tape and must admit that she seemed to know what she was doing).

Even though he was pretty gamey even before attaching himself to the world's skankiest skank, he eschews a post-coital wash. Instead, he takes some pills and smokes a joint, throws away the want ads, steals $1000 out of PH's wallet while she edits the video of their tryst for internet release. The Big Meanie then kills Paris by convincing her that nobody is watching.

In the ensuing orgy of gastronomic self-congratulation at the Westwood Fatburger, he orders and consumes one of everything on the menu. His plans unravel after Nicole Ritchie stumbles across his promotional website, "ikilledparishiltonbyconvincinghernobodywaswatching.com," and, after bringing in a reading assistant, demands that he kill her as well, except on Fox.

Se7en2, in theatres hopefully... never.

(*unless the "it" is a sexually transmitted disease, perhaps. She's so skanky she could contract an STD by masturbating) Yeah, I know I said this already but this is where it was originally and I think it is worth repeating.

Eli Manning is a goober

Peyton's spoiled dickweed of a brother, Eli, is even outpuds Peyton. The little pissant refused to play for the Chargers (which would only have been excusable had his gripe been that they don't use the powder blues more, or even the Air Coryell Era threads) because he said their organization wasn't up to their standards. He's a boob from Ole Miss, who the hell does he think he is?

So he orchestrates a trade to the New York Giants of New Jersey. I think maybe it's because he has the hots for Giants bench QB Jesse "I was on 'The Bachelor' but didn't get to" Palmer. It certainly couldn't have been because of football. The Giants suck, and had to give up 1st and 5th round picks and Phil Rivers, the potential stud QB (and by all acounts, non-prick) they took with the 4th pick, for the privilege of smelling the arrogant shit's southern fired farts for the next several years and paying him a toll booth full of c-notes for that privilege.

So what happens? The Chargers grow a pair, go 12-4, host a playoff game, and came within Marty Shottenheimer's sudden spouting of a vagina once his team got within longish field goal range in OT of being on their way to Pittsburgh to joust with the Men of Steel. Giants broke the Cardinal Line (double digit losses), with little poopy pants pissant Eli taking the helm while the team still had a shot at the playoffs and navigating his team down the toilet like a Tidy Bowl man after his ninth MeadowlandsLong Island Iced Tea. Nice move, Eli.

The Giants are a mess and the Chargers get a high first round draft pick, a prospect comparable in ability but almost certainly less dickish in character, and a 5th round pick (don't snicker, Tex, Tom Brady who has 2 more Super Bowl rings than the entire Manning clan, was a sixth round guy).

Coming full circle: Patriots-Colts II

My last post before going on hiatus was a cracking good ANALysis of Peyton Manning and the Colts in which I eschewed excessive discussion of "strategy" and "X's and O's" and "sexual habits of the cheerleaders" and instead kept my thoughts on a different level:


Let me tell you something about Peyton Manning and the Colts. Manning takes it up the ass. The Colts take it up the ass. And they will continue taking it up the ass until they beat the Patriots and Tom Brady.

Well, their day of judgment cometh, and that right soon. Manning and his posse come riding into Foxboro this Sunday, in a game to be broadcasted on the jaundiced Eye. Over the last three months, the feckless rumbswabs in the sports media have done everything but elect Manning the Pope of Greenwich Village and it irks the bejesus out of me. Look man, the Colts had a good year and all, but they were the 3-seed (and came within a SD collapse in Indy of being the 4-seed) and putting up 5-TD games against the Cowardly Lions or the Tennessee Tuxedos is great, but how about we hold off the goddmaned coronation until the Colts earn it?

As I said before, most of the dopes who follow this shit like superstar worship because it relives them of the obligation to think. Anyway, if Manning were to lead the Colts to victory, the orgy of approbation would be likely enough to make me write another vituperative blog post.

And I am concerned--if the Colts and Manning are firing on all cyclinders, they will be tought to beat. The Patriots have the home field but don't have their cornerbacks. I think that guy Poteat they signed had been standing on Route 1 holding a "Will play cornerback for food" sign. But they are the World Champions. And they have Belichick.

But irregardless of the creeping acceptability of the despicable word "irregardless," and regardless of who wins Sunday, the Manning love fest sucks dick, smokes pole, and performs fellatio.

BONUS: the old Colts helmet had two horseshoes on the lower rear of the helmet, which in a fusion of geography and metaphor, would mean that backs of the asses of those Colts are the backs of their heads, which makes them all assheads and makes their helmets, literally, asshats.

Jennifer Garner: Confounded idiocy compounded...

Jennifer Garner as super duper sex symbol? Gimme a break. She's got disquietingly mannish round shoulders and a little tiny head atop her long neck (did she used to wear those neck ring things? Was she playing around at Cleopatra and forgot the maxim about how if you do thus-and-so you could stay that way--you know, that line adults say to try to get kids to stop making faces. Making faces is fun when you're a kid, so fascist adults back off).

Leaving all that to the side, her face is okay and stuff, but it reminds of this kid Billy I knew when I was a vitriolic youth. Billy was clinically silly and could have been a spawn of Medusa, let's just say, so the simularity of his facial template with hers is disconcerting.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Elvis: the OTHER King

Elvis Presley is 70 today. Richard M. "Dick" Nixon would have been 92 tomorrow.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Welcome to Sportswood: Girly Manning &c

Stupid goddamn Colts. Sean Salisbury, the former mediocre NFL QB and current mediocre ESPN blatherer recently stated, "The Colts might be the best team in the AFC right now." After Salisbury told Michael Irvin on-air during a (never re-aired) segment of the ESPN Super Bowl postgame show, "You need to go take a drug test," he should've pulled a Costanza, said, "You've been great," announced his retirement and walked off the set. One of the feckless rumpswabs on CBS said he would take Peyton Manning over Tom Brady. Superstars and superstar worship are easier for subpar announcers to discuss, the league to market, and morons to understand.

Let me tell you something about Peyton Manning and the Colts. Manning takes it up the ass. The Colts take it up the ass. And they will continue taking it up the ass until they beat the Patriots and Tom Brady. Three of the Patriots' record 19 straight have come against the Colts, including the AFC Champeenship last season, when twinkle toes Manning tossed five picks, and Brady didn't.

Manning went to the then-shitty team that picked him, so that puts him ahead of his turdling brother Eli (and who names their kid after Jason Bateman's fat sidekick on "It's Your Move, anyway?), who simpered like a little bitch when the Chargers picked him, forcing them to deal his selfish ass to the football Giants. But Peyton squeezed the Colts to the point that they had to cut several players to give him a $34 million upfront signing bonus (that's almost $7 mil per pick!). I don't begrudge him making as much as he can, but he shouldn't begrudge people questioning his priorities--knocking a few mil off might have enabled his TEAM to add some guys that would increase the chances of the TEAM winning a Championship.

Football is a TEAM game and the Colts are NOT the best TEAM until and unless they earn it. Ric Flair declared, "If you wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man." So beat Brady, take Buzz Tightyear out of your ass and then you can be the man, okay girly Manning?

Saturday, October 09, 2004

If John Kerry had debated in October 1944...

"This President rushed into an unnececessary land war in Europe, when the real enemy is in Asia. We lost thousands of men in June in France, and the death toll keeps rising. And with the failure of Market Garden, a mess designed by one of the members of the coalition of the incompetent, we can all be sure that victory is not guaranteed before the election, and that menas this President went about this the wrong way.

"This war in Europe was the wrong war and we haven't found any Germans WMDs and rumors of mass executions and death camps are just partisan propaganda and all that, but I will be sure to obtain the cooperation of sovereign French government, which until a few days ago was in bed with the Nazis, in lieu of the cooperation of the false coalition featuring the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth. That should suffice until we can recruit the remnants of the Wehrmacht that we capture as we move into Germany. Of course, we are allied with the Communists, so I will deviate from normal practice and acknowledge something good about the scumbag I am opposing.

"And I know in advance that the incumbent doesn't have a plan to win the peace that will guarantee that everything will go perfectly, so he sucks for that, too."

I-Love I-talics, Skank Edition

Standing at the supermarket check out earlier this fine day, I noticed that Star magazine had a picture of millionaire but meritless celebrity cock receptacle Paris Hilton. The headline:

"Paris in Tears: New Sex & Drugs Video." [Emphasis original.]

I like to imagine the real Paris Hilton--I mean the literal Hilton hotel in Paris--catching a lot of shit from the other hotels in the form of innuendo fueled double entendres.

UPDATE: I nominate in absentia whoever wrote that headline for the first ever Vitriolics Anonymous Prize. Fittingly, the first VAP nominee achieved this infamy for actions in mockery of one of the most vapid phenomena of our age.


Koalas and kangaroos are no Turkeys

An island of good times. W. won the debate.

The pro-U.S. Liberal Party (properly named--that a great term like liberal got hooked up with the American left is the worst political pairing since they named Hubert Humphrey after the Metrodome (hat tip to the late Billy Martin)), led by U.S. and W. ally John "Mo" Howard, won the Australian election and increased its majority.

I like Australia. Whenever I watch "Gallipoli," I root for Mel Gibson and the boys to kick the shit out of the perfidious Turks (who the Nazis--I mean Germans--hoodwinked into joining the wrong side in World War I). So far, it hasn't done any good, but I remain optimistic.

Turkey is on my geopolitical shit list because of the way they screwed us out of a northern front on the eve of Gulf War II. Their betrayal threw a wrench into our war plans and cost us time and lives, to the subsequent delight of Senators Catsup and Sweet Caroline. We had the 4th, one of our most modern and deadly divisions, poised to strike from the north, and instead they had to reroute and follow the 3rd and others up from the south. Not so good.

And Turkey has the temerity to want a say in what happens in the Kurdish north of Iraq? Fuck you, Turkey. This makes me want to get my rifle and shoot the next wild turkey that I see crossing the woods out behind the homestead. Just out of spite--those turkeys aren't very delectable. Those bastards must have taken a course on treachery at the Diplomatic Sorbonne (the Turks, not the wild turkeys crossing my land), a subtlety--no, a blaring headline, lost on Senator Fuckface. The EU can have the Skankaras from Ankaras, I says.

Turkey, on the wrong side then, and on the wrong side now.

Sox, Cards, Communists - Not All Reds are the same

And another thing. During the debate, one of Kerry's countless demonstrations of unappealing, awkward snobbery was his joke that W. was living in a fantasy world, which would be bad, unless you are a Red Sox fan.

(Buh dump dump. Uhh, is this thing on?)

How was this idotic? Let me count the ways. First, if that was a joke it wasn't funny. Second, what the hell does that mean? I'm a Red Sox fan, and unless I'm mistaken, I'm living in reality, and reality is that the Sox are in the Final Four and I think are a stronger side than either of the teams they might play for a trip to the World Series. Is Senator "I bounced a pitch to the plate so I wouldn't hurt the Highly trained professional player behind the plate with my girly French 12 mile an hour Goofball" trying to insult me? I live in a 2000 swing state, for chrissakes!

Most of all, this fucking guy was standing in a room full of "undecided" voters in MISSOURI, ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI, home of the Cardinals, that baseball team that could well face the Red Sox in this year's World Series. If they got the "joke," would they appreciate it? Would Patton have tried to inspire the heroes of Bastogne by saying, "If you think the Germans won't execute you, you're living in a fantasy world, which is bad, unless you're at Bastogne." Jeeze.

Vive le douchebag

During the debate last night, Kerry better made the case that he is a repugnant, condescending prick than any of his detractors ever could.

Kerry wants to appeal to envy, wrath, and sloth by ganging up on people who happen to make more than $200K a year and fucking them out of even more of their money, even though these are the people who already pay far more than their fair share. Extolling a principle that surely would have given Jefferson and Washington raging hard-ons and trying to make the point that it's okay to fuck these people because there aren't that many of them (leaving aside the abject stupidity of shoving a dildo spiked with disincentives up the collective ass of the most productive people of our economy), Senator Smarmy Shitbag looked over the debate audience and assured them that his latter day monetary dekulakization wouldn't confront the audience of "undecideds" none because, "Lookin' around here at this group here, I suspect there are only three people here who are going to be affected," by the Democrats' latest resort to class warfare: Senator Fuckface himself (I think he meant his wife), the President, and "sorry, Charlie [debate moderator Charles Gibson of ABC, the Impaired and Imbalanced Network whose news commissar just urged his people to skew coverage in favor of Senator Chablis]."

What an ass! Even if Kerry's inference about the crowd were true or even defensible, EVEN IF THE FUCK WERE STANDING IN A FUCKING SOUP KITCHEN!, what a total ass. Why didn't Kerry just be honest--uh, oh yeah--and say what he meant, which was "I'm Senator Kerry, I'm rich, and I'm better than all of you, and you are the dirty unwahsed masses from flyover country who don't have $8000 bikes and 5 homes and all that shit, basically I'm better than you and I know best so you should do what I say you pathetic underlings." Well that's fucking so charming that if I had been one of those "undecideds" and wore panties I'd've taken them off and thrown them on the stage.

How stupid is Kerry? Don't answer, because in addition to his egregious lack of manners and class, you also get his Boston Brahmin ass also betraying a wopping ignorance of wealth in the U.S., especially the wealth of the self-made--which makes sense, because the Senator has married into wealth twice, has never created or built a thing or even run a business (based on his own initiative or family connections or anything), and has no better credentials to blather on self-made affluence than some bleached bag of tits and ass who marries a rich geezer or two. John Kerry, Anna Nicole without the tits, whoopdee fucking doo.

If Senator Munster could haul his hideously elongated face out of the brie long enough to procure some knowledge about the country he feels entitled to govern, he might know that that crowd in Missouri could well have contained several millionaires. Statistically, American millionaires tend to be modest in their expenditures. They are as likely to drive a three year old Buick as a brand new civilian Panzercruiser produced by BMW during its between wars of conquest hiatus (which has gone on longer than usual this time but will inevitably end). The typical millionaire follows the heartland philosophy of "earn more than you show, speak less than you know." Would that Senator Swissmiss boarding school follow that advice and stop demeaning his service in some country, starts with a V (and by extension and more importantly, the service of people who didn't come home and call our guys, who performed incredibly, war criminals so he could get an ideological handjob from Hanoi Jane and then run for Congress. Ass.).

Typical American millionaires also are unlikely to drop thousands of bucks on Eurotrash uber-bikes and cheesy spandex for flip-flop windsurfing. Perhaps this is because, unlike Senator "Waiter, there's semen in my" Ketchup, the typical millionaire earned his or her money and doesn't want to throw it around but would prefer to keep it for long-term security and the trifling obligations of the hoi polloi, like paying for childrens' education and whatnot.

Unlike Senator Golddigging Rectum Face, the statistically typical American millionaire achieved a measure of financial success by either running a small business or contributing valuable skills or professional services to the economy, while living below his or her means.

When you have a billion dollars that you didn't earn, you too might emulate Senator Kerry and not know how the typical millionaire made it happen. I would hope and expect that you, a random reader, would have more class than to emulate Kerry's condescending idiocy.

Or as denizens of the Senator's favorite potemkin ally might parlez, "Que douchebag."

Yes, Senator, we do know who you are, sadly

Related to the proceeding post, my best sources in Massachusetts, who have access to a memeber of the Massachusetts Congressional delegation, report that the rumors are true: Kerry is an arrogant, smug prick, and even most people in Mass. don't like him. That might explain why another member of the Mass. delegation, another guy who lives like self-appointed royalty on a fortune that he never earned (and because the Kennedy fortune came from illicit stock swindling and illicit drug dealing--alcohol is a drug, and it was illegal at the time, hence illicit drug dealing, nobody actually ever earned it) and never has to mix with the little people, Senator Ted Kennedy, took Senator Kerry on as his political protege.

At least when Kerry wipes out while piloting a conveyance, it is a snowboard, he doesn't leave some young lady buried in a snow drift, and he can blame a "son of a bitch" who would take a bullet for him.

Yes, the liberal Senators of Massachusetts, friends of the working man as long as the working man does exactly what they say and gives 60% of his money to fuckwads like them. And yeah, those turds don't give a shit about oppressive taxes because they not only have so much they never know the difference, they didn't bring the $ in so it doesn't trouble them to see the $ go out--at least, when their accountants aren't gaming the system--like eeevil Republicans--to fuck the system that you and I are supposed to let give us an unlubed fuck every year. What do I mean? The Kennedies off-shored much of their Massachusetts lucre to Florida to beat estate taxes. Miserable bastards.

Senator Kerry, Mister I'm gonna fight for you like another parasite who never produced anything (unless you count an unread and unreadbale book written by a staffer), Al Gore, is infamous in New England for trying to piss on the commoners and then responding to anyone who dare question his holiness with a sanctimonious, "Do you know who I am?"

Boston media veteran Howie Carr has the goods on Kerry. Carr, a verbose radio guy and journalist who is surprisingly unassuming in personal social settings, of course, is the shark who threw his mentor at WRKO Jerry Williams under the bus and who did the same to his first wife.

Blast off. I am a Vitriolic...

Soothing as sulfuric is what we are...